It felt so nice today. I went shopping at the consignment shop alone to buy clothes for Ezra. As I was checking out the cashier asked me how many kids I have and what their ages were. Before Lucy died this was such an easy generic question to answer. These days, it's a bit more complicated. I normally say that I have 3 children but my middle child, my daughter Lucy died. The immediate response is downcast eyes, a ridged look, pity and a quick "I'm so sorry" and a look around trying to escape the conversion. Please I beg you, stop.. look at me. I mentioned my daughter not to get pity, I mentioned her because I love her and I absolutely love to talk about her. She's not just sadness and grief to me. She is my child, she holds life and gallons of love in my heart. So today my answer was different, not much different but I chose not to say that my daughter was dead. I said " I have 3 children. I have a 9 and 4 year old and 15 month old." And she smiled at me, a big bright happy smile and it felt so right. Not often I get such happiness when I talk about Lucy.. but today I got this amazing "Wow mama smile, you are rocking awesome with 3 kiddos". My heart feels happy and it feels so right to talk about my girl, my sweet daughter.
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