It felt so nice today. I went shopping at the consignment shop alone to buy clothes for Ezra. As I was checking out the cashier asked me how many kids I have and what their ages were. Before Lucy died this was such an easy generic question to answer. These days, it's a bit more complicated. I normally say that I have 3 children but my middle child, my daughter Lucy died. The immediate response is downcast eyes, a ridged look, pity and a quick "I'm so sorry" and a look around trying to escape the conversion. Please I beg you, stop.. look at me. I mentioned my daughter not to get pity, I mentioned her because I love her and I absolutely love to talk about her. She's not just sadness and grief to me. She is my child, she holds life and gallons of love in my heart. So today my answer was different, not much different but I chose not to say that my daughter was dead. I said " I have 3 children. I have a 9 and 4 year old and 15 month old." And she smiled at me, a big bright happy smile and it felt so right. Not often I get such happiness when I talk about Lucy.. but today I got this amazing "Wow mama smile, you are rocking awesome with 3 kiddos". My heart feels happy and it feels so right to talk about my girl, my sweet daughter.
There is so much more to grief than pain and sadness, so much more! There is a heart full of LOVE! Heart pounding, exhilarating huge mountains of love. I'm thinking of her today, she turns 4 on Sunday. The thoughts I have are not sad, yes I miss her, body and soul but at this moment the feelings I have are happiness. I am happy to be the mother of this darling one. She was strong enough to live 40 weeks, 5 days inside me and strong enough to live 33 hours earth side. I am proud to say that this is my daughter, this pure beautiful child. I would give anything to have her alive in my arms but goodness nothing will ever take away this amazing bond we have, this heart to heart passion that a mother and daughter share. My heart is burning with love for my daughter, I don't know a life without my Lucy. Just look at her, ahhh she makes me so happy.
I absolutely adore her!
Some days I want to go back
To this
To this happiness.
Lucy is
A L I V E
happy and well
We don't know she will die
She's growing inside of me
I'm radiating with life
Our family is full of
J O Y
Excited to meet our baby
Excited to watch her grow
Hiking
Laughing
But this can't be
Won't be
So today
I am glad
I am glad with how long we've know her
I'm grateful that her light
Her light is shining
Shining ever so bright
And
Even if she isn't breathing
She is breathing in my
H E A R T
Forever
I've been thinking today about my daughter, my only daughter, my child who will never grow to be a women.. I grieve that I will never experience this important day with her but yet here she is shining through in her own way, lifting me up and showing me that we WILL share this day together, we are stronger together, me her mama, her my daughter.
Missing you my sweet Lucy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy International Women's Day!
“Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”
