Saturday, October 4, 2014

Today, right now

Right now I am here. I am breathing. This is me with my son today by our home. I am living a life with so many beautiful people who inspire me every day. Lucy would have turned 18 months on the 2nd. Her life and death has turned my world around. I feel I'm a completely different me. I've learned to stay away from those who bring me pain and say "no" more when my gut tells me too. I've learned that in this life I need to smile and be present more for my children and for myself. Today I've been down. I'm just so sad when we do things together as a family and she isn't there smiling with us or running or playing along side us. Life without her physically is so hard. I want to be able to squeeze her, kiss her and nurse her in bed. I want to buy her cute tights for this beautiful fall weather and take her to the pumpkin field. I wish her sweet brother was able to hold her hand while crossing the street and read her night time stories.. I know that none of this is reality now, I am learning to be gentle with myself and our journey of life and grief. Living and being joyful alongside pain and grief can be so strange and hard. There are things that bring me comfort and make me feel her light.When I see the sun shinning through the trees I think of her warmth beside me. When her song comes on the radio at any time, I smile and cry as I remember her. When I draw or write I always am thinking of her. Whenever I feel like it, I sing her name and dream and talk of her. Sweet brother has also come to me with stories that are helping him with his grief, one that he told me today was that he and Lucy were together on a different planet, called "the planet of light" that he and Lucy are the King and Queen over it. Just living within the glow of both my sweet children has me smiling. I love my precious ones.

My third post for Carlymarie's 'Capture your grief project'

Thursday, October 2, 2014

My Heart

There is a sweet little girl named Lucy who resides in my heart. She is in me, with me and part of me. Her life, her touch has opened my heart to a world of whispers. A world of life inside dreams and galaxies. She blessed our family with her presence, her glow. She touched our hearts with her soul. Her name is Lucy, our beautiful light. She lives in my heart and in our daily life. She is in the breeze, she is in the gallant sunflowers. She's in the majestic sunsets, the light through the trees. She's the drive inside my soul, the passion in my being. Her radiant heart is the moon, her eyes are the sun. This quiet little soul of hers flew into our lives and resides in our hearts forever. How can we not treasure a heart that is so pure and powerful. So knowing and wise. There is so much to learn from our sweet child who is so full of light.

 How many hearts can you find? (Lucy's big brother's heart drawing) 

My second post for Carlymarie's 'Capture your grief project'

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


My son and I left the house a bit early this morning so we could watch the sun rise in a special place. As we step from our car the weather was beautiful, light crisp air that was a bit chilly. We walked down to the waters edge, the sun was just rising and the water was extremely still, calm and clear. The majestic beauty was insurmountable. I took photos and reality hit me. The way the sun and the clouds formed made me feel as if my sweet little Lucy was pointing me in the direction that I need to go. Following her light will take me where I need to be. She is my sun and every time I follow her glow, I feel. I feel her strength, her love and her light. As we were leaving the water, and had walked up to the parking lot, I heard splashing. I turned around and the water had turned from this crystal lake into wild waves. I ran back and watched as the waves take me in and out and the feeling I felt made me just think of her and feel her near. On the way to drop my son off at school I asked him how he felt while we were watching the sunset and he said "Me and Lucy were together, that's how I felt." and he drew a sweet photo of them playing underneath a heart shaped sunflower.

My first post for Carlymarie's 'Capture your grief project'