Thursday, September 25, 2014


On a hot August morning as our family was traveling around the US we discovered the most amazing news. We were pregnant again. How excited we were, we dreamed throughout that trip. Our 4 year old son was longing for a sibling for a while now and we were so happy to carrying his brother or sister. We talked of names, of birth, of life with this new little being. So entirely thrilled. Our pregnancy was no walk in the park. Full of extreme morning sickness and blood pressure problems. The thing that got me through these times was knowing that I was growing a little sweet being inside of me. As the days past by I started feeling better and was able to enjoy the sweet movements and precious kicks inside of me. We did fun things, apple picking and belly rubbing. Life was going well. Excited about meeting our dear one. 

On a early February morning, my husband and I went in for an ultrasound that has changed our lives forever. We walked out in a fog that still looms over us today. Our child was growing inside me for 36 weeks, we were on top of the world and hearing the word "anenchephaly" brought our happiness crashing down. A diagnosis that would forever haunt us. Our child was going to die. The tears swelled so strongly, so powerfully, I could not contain them. I cried in front of everyone at that office and everyone just stared at me. Why was that lady crying?. A bunch of eyes staring at me, and my eyes were puffy and swollen and sobbing. My husband rubbing my back, Everything a haze after I heard the words: "You're child will die." How can you tell a young healthy pregnant mama that she is going to lose the love of her life? How did I not explode that day? My body felt like it was exploding. My head did not comprehend what I as hearing. How did I go on living? How am I living now? 

In April my beautiful child was born into my arms. I caught my little love, her bottom slipped slowly out into my hands and then her body. I held her and stared at her. Her beauty was unbelievable. I'm still in awe of this moment. She was born alive and I wanted to believe she would stay forever. Her breath was beautiful and her warm body lay against mine. She smelled of sweetness and her skin was velvety soft. I can still feel her little head hair against my lips. I can feel her finger wrapped around mine. Her eyes never opened but her face said it all. Her mouth would smile when I was near her face, when I stroked her cheek and when I whispered sweet things. The glow she left in me is forever ignited. On the days I wish I was dead, in the moments my body is longing for hers, I hold on to her light. I hold on to her glow. When she slowly died in my arms, I carried her, I held her, I bathed her, I kissed her so many times. She is my first daughter, my precious child. I love my baby always.