Seasons

Lucy was born in the spring. I have yet to go through a whole spring without her. I'm sure I will smell the flowers more, breathe in the wind and be still, enjoy every moment of her season, remembering her life and reliving the feels and sounds of her days. I bet I will want to journey back to the farmland where we were living durning her life. The horses across the street with their neighs for fresh carrots and grass. The fields covered in buttercups and the fragrant smell of flowers. The fresh spring showers, with the fog creeping all around. I dream about this feel, hoping that even through the pain, I will be able to remember and cherish this time of year. Life is so hard without my daughter snuggled up against my breast. How will I go on when she can't cling to me as I hold her up to smell the beautiful roses of spring? How can I survive the spring when she won't be able to pick a flower and run up to me with a beautiful smile on her face saying "This is for you mama". I already miss these moments of life.

Winter was when Lucy was kicking and squirming around inside of me. I remember so vividly the strong kicks and hiccups she made. I remember lying there smiling a huge smile as I stroked my round belly and she responded so vibrantly with her strong movements. I treasure the days of long walks down to see the field full of horses , the walks in the quiet beautiful path near our home. Going out to keep healthy and spend quality time with my sweet Lucy. Anything to be alone with her, talking to her and whispering sweet things. I miss being with her, I miss caring her and nourishing her within me. Lucy was not just with us for 33 hours. She was with us for 40.5 weeks as well and those days were just as special and I cherish them with all my heart.

This is a photo of the field of horses where we took long strolls throughout our pregnancy and where we pet and fed the horses. This particular day I was out alone treasuring the silence when a quiet light rain shower came up upon me and as the fog grew around us so thick and cool, I sat there wondering and hoping for a miracle.. Maybe she will be okay? Maybe it was all wrong. Begging and pleading that she would heal and we would live happily ever after.. This was mid January when the trees were bare and the horses were grazing in the not so green pasture.

My post inspired by Carlymarie's 'Capture your grief project' 2013