Friday, October 18, 2013

Aching Heart

How do you release your child? How is it possible? It doesn't make sense? Every ounce of my body it felt so wrong. I am suppose to die before my child, my head says. So what the hell is happening? How did she die before me? My heart yearns to care for her. To hold her, my arms feel so heavy and they ache so badly.. I wanted to hold her longer, to raise her. I wanted to see her grow into a girl, a woman. I wanted to mother her.

But it wasn't meant to be. She was meant to come into my life and change me in ways I never thought possible. So on this day, the day of her funeral, I had to release her body into the ground. I had to kiss her lips for the last time. I had to smooth her hair, and feel her soft cheeks against mine for the last time. I had to hold her close and tell her how much I loved her. Gaze upon her radiant face for the last time. My heart exploding with pain. My tears streaming down my cheeks. How can I go on? How is this possible to live without a piece of your heart?

I've gone through many dark, dark places since this day. I've cried for hours, so many hours, so long and hard while my head exploded with pain. My heart shaking with extreme longing. My life feeling so worthless. So many times I've had to release my pain, my tears, my anger. I've had to come to place where I could feel her next to me, even though she isn't. Those are the days, the moments I live for. I live for her life, her life holds so much meaning. She has given me meaning. Luke has given my life meaning. My child, even though I had to give her back to the earth, I will never give away all the memories of her. All the love I hold for her. She is my strength and my guide from another world.

My post inspired by Carlymarie's 'Capture your grief project' 2013

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