Sunrise

Lucy I'm thinking of you.

The sun is rising, I sit and watch the waves roll in. the birds are singing, flying together. It is calm and quiet. A dolphin cruising the water, magnificent beautiful. A feather blowing in the breeze, the waves crashing on the shore. The air is sweet and crisp, the feeling of fall in the air. It's felt like a lifetime apart, you and I. My sweet friend, my dear child. You are in my heart. I feel you're breath on my chest, your warm fingers holding tightly to mine. Your soft velvet hair nestled in the crook of my arm. You're sweet breathing of absolute peace.

You are my soft gentle breeze, my free spirit, my jewel of gold. The gold I see illuminating the sky, you are in all that is beautiful.

I feel you. I love you.

I absolutely miss you.

My Lucy.

#whathealsyou #captureyougrief

I miss her

This little girl. Today she should have started her first day going to school with her big loving brother. He would have proudly walked in with her and I bet he'd take her to her class room for the first time. Today when her brother came home from his first day back at school we talked about Lucy and about how she'd be 3 years old and she'd be starting at his school for the first time in the primary classroom. We wondered if she'd be scared of going or maybe she'd be excited. I wonder if she'd be shy and quiet or more outgoing. I think she would have brought a peaceful energy to her classroom with sweet 3 year old talk, busy preparing her work on her work mat and playing sweet games with her friends. Would she rather climb on the play structure or would she rather sit for hours playing in sandboxes, or maybe she'd like to plant and water the flowers. I wonder what kind of lunches she would want me to prepare, would she like berries, or watermelon. Would she like sandwiches or leftovers from dinner. Would she pick out her clothes the night before, preparing everything neatly or would she be carefree and not care what she wore. Would she want to bring flowers to her teachers, clutching them tightly as she left my arms waking carefully confidently into the school doors. I miss this today. I miss not having my sweet 3 year old.

5:11 am

I hovered over some pictures on my laptop this morning, it was interesting to see the different dates and times they were taken. The last photo I ran my mouse across was this one, it said "Date taken 4/2/2013, 5:11 am. Wow, it is so powerful that these two beautiful children shared that moment, this moment to be exact. And it has a time mark in history. How beautiful. How precious. This moment capture, not only captured with our camera but most importantly capture in our minds, our hearts and our souls. Lucy was here in his arms and this moment that were taken is so real and so beautiful.

A yawn
A smile
Two beautiful souls
Sharing a moment
This moment in time
Such beauty
Such perfection
He is so gentle
She is so sweet
They come together
Brother
Sister
Holding each other
So soft
So perfect.

Milk

So after you have a baby, your milk comes in.

You feed your child and you feel so much gratitude to your body for making this amazing substance. 

I sit here now and feed Lucy's new brother.

It brought me back to right after my sweet girl died, sitting there in the car by her graveside, pumping. Just pumping. What else could I do? My breast were full and about to burst. I had to pump to relieve them. Bottles full. Breasts empty. No sweet baby to give my precious milk. No cooler on hand so store it... So I said to my sweet 5 year old boy. "I guess I should just dump it out" and he said "No" and grabbed it from me... He ran to Lucy's grave and poured it out and said "Now Lucy can drink it" 

My eyes cry, my heart aches, my body longs for her to drink it too my sweet boy. 

My little girl

As my sweet Lucy's third birthday approaches all I can think about is her.. How would she be now.. Luke says she'd have hair like mine, black and curly, he drew a picture of her a few days ago, he says to me "she looks like a mini you" and then he giggled... I picture a sweet little girl with bouncy curls who loves to run through flowers and steal snacks from her brother and then they'd giggle about it.. I bet she'd love her new baby brother and she'd take lots of naps and snuggles with him. She'd draw sweet art that only a 3 year old knows how to make and we'd hang her drawings all over the walls. We'd go on nature adventures and pick wild flowers for pressing between the pages of old books.. We'd giggle together as we play hide and seek around the house, we'd have picnics and tea parties and tree climbing. At the end of the day she'd be so tired that she'd fall asleep on the couch and her daddy would have to carry her to bed. Ah I love to dream of my sweet little girl.