Today, right now

Right now I am here. I am breathing. This is me with my son today by our home. I am living a life with so many beautiful people who inspire me every day. Lucy would have turned 18 months on the 2nd. Her life and death has turned my world around. I feel I'm a completely different me. I've learned to stay away from those who bring me pain and say "no" more when my gut tells me too. I've learned that in this life I need to smile and be present more for my children and for myself. Today I've been down. I'm just so sad when we do things together as a family and she isn't there smiling with us or running or playing along side us. Life without her physically is so hard. I want to be able to squeeze her, kiss her and nurse her in bed. I want to buy her cute tights for this beautiful fall weather and take her to the pumpkin field. I wish her sweet brother was able to hold her hand while crossing the street and read her night time stories.. I know that none of this is reality now, I am learning to be gentle with myself and our journey of life and grief. Living and being joyful alongside pain and grief can be so strange and hard. There are things that bring me comfort and make me feel her light.When I see the sun shinning through the trees I think of her warmth beside me. When her song comes on the radio at any time, I smile and cry as I remember her. When I draw or write I always am thinking of her. Whenever I feel like it, I sing her name and dream and talk of her. Sweet brother has also come to me with stories that are helping him with his grief, one that he told me today was that he and Lucy were together on a different planet, called "the planet of light" that he and Lucy are the King and Queen over it. Just living within the glow of both my sweet children has me smiling. I love my precious ones.

My third post for Carlymarie's 'Capture your grief project' http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2014/09/capture-your-grief-2014.html