Goodnight Lucy

We took a late night walk around our block
to get the full day at home wiggles out before bed
As we draw closer to our house we stop to watch the bats swooping in and out
Ezra extremely excited and running here and there pretending to fly like a bat
when I hear her, our sweet dear neighbor, Luciana (she always says "nobody remembers Luciana, just call me Lucy")
I don't know how old she is but she is living alone from what I can tell and she often greets and chats with me for hours, some days in full French which so happens to be one of those evenings...
"Oooo la la", she says as she also stops to watch the bats with us
She adores Ezra and always gives him the sweetest compliments; playing with him so sweetly
Ezra shows her a big stick he found and also shows her a dark opening in a bush, asking her if there is something hiding in there. She can tell he is a little scared so she says in her dear French accent "here let me show you" and pushes the bushes back showing that there is indeed nothing hiding there..
I tell her we must go home to bed as it's getting late and she says "goodnight" but as we move closer to our home she is still with us, talking and talking. I can't help but smile as she speaks to us even though I don't fully understand what she is saying. We reach our driveway and then our cherry tomatoes and Ezra picks one and gives it to her. She is overjoyed and pretends to eat it up, saying "yum, yum". He loves this so we turn on the outdoor light and gather more tomatoes for her to take home. As we hand them to her, her happiness is so beautiful that it brings such a joy to my heart. I eventually say, "Ezra, do you want to say goodnight to Lucy? We need to go rest now" and Ezra turns, his sweet face with the most adoring smile says "Goodnight Lucy" and her reaction is so powerful, so much joy radiates from her heart, I can feel it. My heart flutters with a mixture of adornment for my sweet Ezra but also the deep dark reminder vibrates through me that he will never have a chance to look into his older sisters eyes and say to her "Goodnight Lucy".

Ages
10 years 8 months 27 days 23 hours
Luke
5 years 3 months 10 days 20 hours 27 minutes
Lucy
2 years 5 months 22 days 21 hours
Ezra

Always Choose Kind

And he said "ma'am would you like a bouquet of flowers?"

And I looked at him and said "her middle name is Sunflower."

And he said, "that's the exact flower I was going to give you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think it's time I shared my story...

I once thought I could never go vegan. I once thought, how could I ever give up cheese. I once thought these things but then my baby died.. She took her last breath while nestled on my heart, cradled in my arms. She was taken away from me through death. I had an epiphany one day while deep, deep in grief. Why would I ever consume a product that benefits from tearing a baby away from it's mother? Why would I ever be okay with that. When my baby was taken from me, I had no choice, my baby died of natural circumstances. Cow babies are taken from their mothers, taken to their own demise and unable to drink the milk created for them. After Lucy died, my milk came flowing in, waiting for my baby to drink. She never did and I literally felt my body, my breasts weeping. I can't even imagine what these loving cows experience every year when their newborn calf is taken from them and then pump after pump is attached to their breasts so that another species can consume the milk that was made for their baby.

I shared this story with a cashier today because I was asked "Why did you go vegan?" and she was taken by my story and then another cashier who was also listening immediately offered me a bouquet of flowers. Now I'm sitting here teary eyed with a handful of Sunflowers and I am so grateful that I had the strength to share my story today and how a simple act of true kindness gave me the courage now to share it with you.

Can I say that giving up any form of animal product does not compare in the pain of giving up your child. Please have compassion and respect for all living creatures. If anything I feel liberated and free knowing I'm trying my best to do no harm. Plus afterall eating vegan is so fun and delicious!

Your choices can be kind. Always choose kind.

I Absolutely Love to Talk about Her

It felt so nice today. I went shopping at the consignment shop alone to buy clothes for Ezra. As I was checking out the cashier asked me how many kids I have and what their ages were. Before Lucy died this was such an easy generic question to answer. These days, it's a bit more complicated. I normally say that I have 3 children but my middle child, my daughter Lucy died. The immediate response is downcast eyes, a ridged look, pity and a quick "I'm so sorry" and a look around trying to escape the conversion. Please I beg you, stop.. look at me. I mentioned my daughter not to get pity, I mentioned her because I love her and I absolutely love to talk about her. She's not just sadness and grief to me. She is my child, she holds life and gallons of love in my heart. So today my answer was different, not much different but I chose not to say that my daughter was dead. I said " I have 3 children. I have a 9 and 4 year old and 15 month old." And she smiled at me, a big bright happy smile and it felt so right. Not often I get such happiness when I talk about Lucy.. but today I got this amazing "Wow mama smile, you are rocking awesome with 3 kiddos". My heart feels happy and it feels so right to talk about my girl, my sweet daughter.

L O V E

There is so much more to grief than pain and sadness, so much more! There is a heart​ full of LOVE! Heart pounding, exhilarating huge mountains of love. I'm thinking of her today, she turns 4 on Sunday. The thoughts I have are not sad, yes I miss her, body and soul but at this moment the feelings I have are happiness. I am happy to be the mother of this darling one. She was strong enough to live 40 weeks, 5 days inside me and strong enough to live 33 hours earth side. I am proud to say that this is my daughter, this pure beautiful child. I would give anything to have her alive in my arms but goodness nothing will ever take away this amazing bond we have, this heart to heart passion that a mother and daughter share. My heart is burning with love for my daughter, I don't know a life without my Lucy. Just look at her, ahhh she makes me so happy. 
I absolutely adore her! 

9 Days Til You're 4

Some days I want to go back 
To this
To this happiness.
Lucy is 
A L I V E 
happy and well
We don't know she will die 
She's growing inside of me
I'm radiating with life
Our family is full of
J O Y
Excited to meet our baby
Excited to watch her grow
Hiking
Laughing
But this can't be
Won't be
So today 
I am glad
I am glad with how long we've know her
I'm grateful that her light 
Her light is shining 
Shining ever so bright
And
Even if she isn't breathing
She is breathing in my
H E A R T
Forever

International Women's Day

I've been thinking today about my daughter, my only daughter, my child who will never grow to be a women.. I grieve that I will never experience this important day with her but yet here she is shining through in her own way, lifting me up and showing me that we WILL share this day together, we are stronger together, me her mama, her my daughter. 

Missing you my sweet Lucy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Happy International Women's Day!

“Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”

Sunrise

Lucy I'm thinking of you.

The sun is rising, I sit and watch the waves roll in. the birds are singing, flying together. It is calm and quiet. A dolphin cruising the water, magnificent beautiful. A feather blowing in the breeze, the waves crashing on the shore. The air is sweet and crisp, the feeling of fall in the air. It's felt like a lifetime apart, you and I. My sweet friend, my dear child. You are in my heart. I feel you're breath on my chest, your warm fingers holding tightly to mine. Your soft velvet hair nestled in the crook of my arm. You're sweet breathing of absolute peace.

You are my soft gentle breeze, my free spirit, my jewel of gold. The gold I see illuminating the sky, you are in all that is beautiful.

I feel you. I love you.

I absolutely miss you.

My Lucy.

#whathealsyou #captureyougrief

I miss her

This little girl. Today she should have started her first day going to school with her big loving brother. He would have proudly walked in with her and I bet he'd take her to her class room for the first time. Today when her brother came home from his first day back at school we talked about Lucy and about how she'd be 3 years old and she'd be starting at his school for the first time in the primary classroom. We wondered if she'd be scared of going or maybe she'd be excited. I wonder if she'd be shy and quiet or more outgoing. I think she would have brought a peaceful energy to her classroom with sweet 3 year old talk, busy preparing her work on her work mat and playing sweet games with her friends. Would she rather climb on the play structure or would she rather sit for hours playing in sandboxes, or maybe she'd like to plant and water the flowers. I wonder what kind of lunches she would want me to prepare, would she like berries, or watermelon. Would she like sandwiches or leftovers from dinner. Would she pick out her clothes the night before, preparing everything neatly or would she be carefree and not care what she wore. Would she want to bring flowers to her teachers, clutching them tightly as she left my arms waking carefully confidently into the school doors. I miss this today. I miss not having my sweet 3 year old.

5:11 am

I hovered over some pictures on my laptop this morning, it was interesting to see the different dates and times they were taken. The last photo I ran my mouse across was this one, it said "Date taken 4/2/2013, 5:11 am. Wow, it is so powerful that these two beautiful children shared that moment, this moment to be exact. And it has a time mark in history. How beautiful. How precious. This moment capture, not only captured with our camera but most importantly capture in our minds, our hearts and our souls. Lucy was here in his arms and this moment that were taken is so real and so beautiful.

A yawn
A smile
Two beautiful souls
Sharing a moment
This moment in time
Such beauty
Such perfection
He is so gentle
She is so sweet
They come together
Brother
Sister
Holding each other
So soft
So perfect.

Milk

So after you have a baby, your milk comes in.

You feed your child and you feel so much gratitude to your body for making this amazing substance. 

I sit here now and feed Lucy's new brother.

It brought me back to right after my sweet girl died, sitting there in the car by her graveside, pumping. Just pumping. What else could I do? My breast were full and about to burst. I had to pump to relieve them. Bottles full. Breasts empty. No sweet baby to give my precious milk. No cooler on hand so store it... So I said to my sweet 5 year old boy. "I guess I should just dump it out" and he said "No" and grabbed it from me... He ran to Lucy's grave and poured it out and said "Now Lucy can drink it" 

My eyes cry, my heart aches, my body longs for her to drink it too my sweet boy. 

My little girl

As my sweet Lucy's third birthday approaches all I can think about is her.. How would she be now.. Luke says she'd have hair like mine, black and curly, he drew a picture of her a few days ago, he says to me "she looks like a mini you" and then he giggled... I picture a sweet little girl with bouncy curls who loves to run through flowers and steal snacks from her brother and then they'd giggle about it.. I bet she'd love her new baby brother and she'd take lots of naps and snuggles with him. She'd draw sweet art that only a 3 year old knows how to make and we'd hang her drawings all over the walls. We'd go on nature adventures and pick wild flowers for pressing between the pages of old books.. We'd giggle together as we play hide and seek around the house, we'd have picnics and tea parties and tree climbing. At the end of the day she'd be so tired that she'd fall asleep on the couch and her daddy would have to carry her to bed. Ah I love to dream of my sweet little girl.

Day 3 In Honor

IN HONOR

Oh sweet baby girl, how delicate you are, yet how incredibly strong

You're perfect body, you're prefect soul, you captivate me

Those hands, those arms, those checks
you take my breath away

The sweetness of you. Your calmness.
Your peaceful spirit, it's awakened something in me

Your perfect love, it's an inspiration in this life, your peaceful life

Your grace is powerful, you are my spiritual guide.
I love you. I honor you.

I'm beyond amazed that you chose me to be your mother



CarlyMarie Project Heal Capture Your Grief 2015

Day 2 Intention

INTENTION

Seeing Beauty.
Beauty in life. Beauty in myself. Beauty in others.

Being able to step back and be present.

Being open to give and except more freely.

Letting my intuition guide me.
Being strong about my feelings.

Being truthful. Being honest.

Keeping love and nature as a
foundation to life.

Practicing to be still.
Being free to laugh more.
Living calmly.



CarlyMarie Project Heal Capture Your Grief 2015

Day 1 Sunrise

SUNRISE

"Just for a moment let's be still"

It's needed, so needed and sometimes I forget to take a moment to take a break from my life. Today I gave myself twenty minutes to sit in silence and breath in the fresh air. It feels real, in this moment I feel alive.

I sit here, I feel still.






CarlyMarie Project Heal - Capture your grief 2015

Lucy's 2nd Birthday

"Two years ago I held the sweetest baby girl in my arms. She cooed and smiled, my love for her runs through my heart deeper and brighter. As I sit and remember her, as I sit and love her deeply and as I miss her, as I long for her so, I smile, I cry, my heart burns with love for her, my lips miss kissing her and my arms ache without her in them. She gives me light and sings within me. She's inspired me with passion and makes me realize what is truly important. Love. Without love we have nothing."


Folly Boat in Charleston, SC we painted in our sweet Lucy's honor: 

Happy 2nd Birthday Lucy -- Boat Painting April 2nd 2015

Lucy's 1st Birthday Boat Painting Video - April 2nd 2014

The glow that she left in me is forever ignited - painted by the beautiful Amanda Greavette

I am deeply honored and delighted to share with you this gorgeous piece of art completed by one of the most amazing artists that I know. The talented and most beautiful Amanda Greavette fell in love with Lucy and our story and was moved to paint this amazing photo of the me pregnant with my dear Lucy. 

'The glow that she left in me is forever ignited'

Lucy's Birth Story added to anencephaly.info

So happy to be sharing Lucy's story along side some of the most beautiful stories I've read. All our babies only knew heart pounding love. Please read Lucy's birth story on anencephaly.info

Lucy Sunflower's Birth Story

This photo was taken while driving away from Lucy's grave. I had to pull off to catch a shot of this beautiful field of flowers. I see Lucy everywhere. 

Lucy's Blessingway

A blessingway is a beautiful way to celebrate mothers and their babies. To me having this blessingway was so full of memories that I love and I cherish dearly. To me this day was so beautiful, so full of emotion. I fully believe that women coming together to support one another is important and is sometimes forgotten in this day and age. So here I am sharing with you a day full of love.

My sister helped me figure out all the details and we sent out an email invite to all my close close friends and family. I decided that after learning Lucy's diagnosis that I only could handle a small amount of women.

I asked the women who could not attend to send me a meaningful bead for a necklace and for those who could attend to bring one with them. I also asked the ladies to think of a poem or something meaningful to write down and share to help me through labor and birth. We combined all these words to go around a beautiful sunflower photo and I treasure it fully.

Table full of beeswax candles and a circle of flowers to represent Lucy's sweet little life that shines within me. I had enough candles to give to each woman so they could light them as I labored. 

 My beautiful friend Gabby who shared pregnancies with me joined us in celebration of both of our dear children. Flower crowns were made for both pregnant goddesses. 

Putting some of the most thoughtful beautiful beads onto my hemp sting necklace that I wore as I birthed my precious wonder. After each bead was put on, every woman shared something powerful and beautiful with me. These moments of time I hold so dear, it brought about so much love, tears and laughter as we loved on my precious Lucy. 

Me all fancy with my flower crown and birthing necklace.

Feeling sweet Lucy kick and jump for joy, she was so active. 

My momma painting my belly.

 All the beautiful women at Lucy's Blessingway took turns painting meaningful images on my belly. 

 After the women gathered, my son, husband, brother-in-law and father-in-law joined us later for dinner and a few pictures.

My sweet little boy loving on his little sister. 

A close up picture of my flower crown made with love by my dear sister. 

This evening that I shared with some of our close friends and family was amazing and is so treasured. I wanted to share our beautiful day with you all to inspire you to continue to hold one another and lift each other up even when it seems impossible. It has made a huge difference for me and my family. I treasure all of you for making the trip to our home and loving on us and on our dear baby Lucy. 

Photo today, full of love within me

I found this photo today. Of me, my sweet boy, my darling Lucy. I can see my face and my feelings, I am feeling my children deep within my heart. They are both with me always, I'm so thoroughly blessed to have them in my life. They make my life worth everything, they are love, complete love. 

As I sit here, I cry, I cry with the joy of knowing these amazing souls. Of feeling them so deeply within me. With them next to me during my days, helping to lift me when I fall. Showing me the truths of life, showing me the importance of every second. They've shown me the importance of slowing down, what was I doing, racing towards the end of my life? No, that's now what I want. They've shown me to want to cherish the seconds, grabbing the moments of life as they come. Being present with them, with myself, with life.  

As I look at my son, he is a master, a builder, a creator, a healer, an artist and a lover. He is so passionate about life, about learning and creating. He completely inspires me, empowers me. He is a rare soul. Every time I sit and just observe him at his work, his play he draws me in and I'm so blown away by his creations, his love filled presence, powerful spirit.

As I feel my daughter and look through what she has given me, I get shivers. Everything about her is perfect. Everything I do with her, feels perfect. Every time I feel her, she is perfect, complete. She overwhelms me with her sweet, precious peaceful spirit. 

How did get so lucky? To help create two amazingly beautiful beings, just absolutely radiant both inside and out. 

Pure Love

My two precious children. The ones that I live for. The ones that keep my life full of love. I'm so grateful and honored to be your mother.

This handsome caring boy of mine, look at the love in his big eyes. I've never seen a boy love his sister so... He is so full of passion and is just completely darling.
Look at those lips of hers, so tender and sweet. Her chunky cheeks of perfection. I miss them. I long for her touch, her smell, her everything.
I cherish these precious children of mine. I love their perfect love for each other.