Goodnight Lucy

We took a late night walk around our block
to get the full day at home wiggles out before bed
As we draw closer to our house we stop to watch the bats swooping in and out
Ezra extremely excited and running here and there pretending to fly like a bat
when I hear her, our sweet dear neighbor, Luciana (she always says "nobody remembers Luciana, just call me Lucy")
I don't know how old she is but she is living alone from what I can tell and she often greets and chats with me for hours, some days in full French which so happens to be one of those evenings...
"Oooo la la", she says as she also stops to watch the bats with us
She adores Ezra and always gives him the sweetest compliments; playing with him so sweetly
Ezra shows her a big stick he found and also shows her a dark opening in a bush, asking her if there is something hiding in there. She can tell he is a little scared so she says in her dear French accent "here let me show you" and pushes the bushes back showing that there is indeed nothing hiding there..
I tell her we must go home to bed as it's getting late and she says "goodnight" but as we move closer to our home she is still with us, talking and talking. I can't help but smile as she speaks to us even though I don't fully understand what she is saying. We reach our driveway and then our cherry tomatoes and Ezra picks one and gives it to her. She is overjoyed and pretends to eat it up, saying "yum, yum". He loves this so we turn on the outdoor light and gather more tomatoes for her to take home. As we hand them to her, her happiness is so beautiful that it brings such a joy to my heart. I eventually say, "Ezra, do you want to say goodnight to Lucy? We need to go rest now" and Ezra turns, his sweet face with the most adoring smile says "Goodnight Lucy" and her reaction is so powerful, so much joy radiates from her heart, I can feel it. My heart flutters with a mixture of adornment for my sweet Ezra but also the deep dark reminder vibrates through me that he will never have a chance to look into his older sisters eyes and say to her "Goodnight Lucy".

Ages
10 years 8 months 27 days 23 hours
Luke
5 years 3 months 10 days 20 hours 27 minutes
Lucy
2 years 5 months 22 days 21 hours
Ezra

Always Choose Kind

And he said "ma'am would you like a bouquet of flowers?"

And I looked at him and said "her middle name is Sunflower."

And he said, "that's the exact flower I was going to give you."

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I think it's time I shared my story...

I once thought I could never go vegan. I once thought, how could I ever give up cheese. I once thought these things but then my baby died.. She took her last breath while nestled on my heart, cradled in my arms. She was taken away from me through death. I had an epiphany one day while deep, deep in grief. Why would I ever consume a product that benefits from tearing a baby away from it's mother? Why would I ever be okay with that. When my baby was taken from me, I had no choice, my baby died of natural circumstances. Cow babies are taken from their mothers, taken to their own demise and unable to drink the milk created for them. After Lucy died, my milk came flowing in, waiting for my baby to drink. She never did and I literally felt my body, my breasts weeping. I can't even imagine what these loving cows experience every year when their newborn calf is taken from them and then pump after pump is attached to their breasts so that another species can consume the milk that was made for their baby.

I shared this story with a cashier today because I was asked "Why did you go vegan?" and she was taken by my story and then another cashier who was also listening immediately offered me a bouquet of flowers. Now I'm sitting here teary eyed with a handful of Sunflowers and I am so grateful that I had the strength to share my story today and how a simple act of true kindness gave me the courage now to share it with you.

Can I say that giving up any form of animal product does not compare in the pain of giving up your child. Please have compassion and respect for all living creatures. If anything I feel liberated and free knowing I'm trying my best to do no harm. Plus afterall eating vegan is so fun and delicious!

Your choices can be kind. Always choose kind.

I Absolutely Love to Talk about Her

It felt so nice today. I went shopping at the consignment shop alone to buy clothes for Ezra. As I was checking out the cashier asked me how many kids I have and what their ages were. Before Lucy died this was such an easy generic question to answer. These days, it's a bit more complicated. I normally say that I have 3 children but my middle child, my daughter Lucy died. The immediate response is downcast eyes, a ridged look, pity and a quick "I'm so sorry" and a look around trying to escape the conversion. Please I beg you, stop.. look at me. I mentioned my daughter not to get pity, I mentioned her because I love her and I absolutely love to talk about her. She's not just sadness and grief to me. She is my child, she holds life and gallons of love in my heart. So today my answer was different, not much different but I chose not to say that my daughter was dead. I said " I have 3 children. I have a 9 and 4 year old and 15 month old." And she smiled at me, a big bright happy smile and it felt so right. Not often I get such happiness when I talk about Lucy.. but today I got this amazing "Wow mama smile, you are rocking awesome with 3 kiddos". My heart feels happy and it feels so right to talk about my girl, my sweet daughter.

L O V E

There is so much more to grief than pain and sadness, so much more! There is a heart​ full of LOVE! Heart pounding, exhilarating huge mountains of love. I'm thinking of her today, she turns 4 on Sunday. The thoughts I have are not sad, yes I miss her, body and soul but at this moment the feelings I have are happiness. I am happy to be the mother of this darling one. She was strong enough to live 40 weeks, 5 days inside me and strong enough to live 33 hours earth side. I am proud to say that this is my daughter, this pure beautiful child. I would give anything to have her alive in my arms but goodness nothing will ever take away this amazing bond we have, this heart to heart passion that a mother and daughter share. My heart is burning with love for my daughter, I don't know a life without my Lucy. Just look at her, ahhh she makes me so happy. 
I absolutely adore her! 

9 Days Til You're 4

Some days I want to go back 
To this
To this happiness.
Lucy is 
A L I V E 
happy and well
We don't know she will die 
She's growing inside of me
I'm radiating with life
Our family is full of
J O Y
Excited to meet our baby
Excited to watch her grow
Hiking
Laughing
But this can't be
Won't be
So today 
I am glad
I am glad with how long we've know her
I'm grateful that her light 
Her light is shining 
Shining ever so bright
And
Even if she isn't breathing
She is breathing in my
H E A R T
Forever

International Women's Day

I've been thinking today about my daughter, my only daughter, my child who will never grow to be a women.. I grieve that I will never experience this important day with her but yet here she is shining through in her own way, lifting me up and showing me that we WILL share this day together, we are stronger together, me her mama, her my daughter. 

Missing you my sweet Lucy

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Happy International Women's Day!

“Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”

Sunrise

Lucy I'm thinking of you.

The sun is rising, I sit and watch the waves roll in. the birds are singing, flying together. It is calm and quiet. A dolphin cruising the water, magnificent beautiful. A feather blowing in the breeze, the waves crashing on the shore. The air is sweet and crisp, the feeling of fall in the air. It's felt like a lifetime apart, you and I. My sweet friend, my dear child. You are in my heart. I feel you're breath on my chest, your warm fingers holding tightly to mine. Your soft velvet hair nestled in the crook of my arm. You're sweet breathing of absolute peace.

You are my soft gentle breeze, my free spirit, my jewel of gold. The gold I see illuminating the sky, you are in all that is beautiful.

I feel you. I love you.

I absolutely miss you.

My Lucy.

#whathealsyou #captureyougrief